Why Hollywood is Worse Than Your Grandparents

Ever visit your Grandparents only to have them tell you the same stories over and over, every time you visit. Seemingly oblivious to the fact, that you’ve heard this story many times before. Or maybe they realize you remember the people in the story, so they think hearing about them again will be comforting.

Now imagine your grandparents are in charge of all major motion pictures. This is what you end up with:

 8 of the 10 Highest Grossing Films, so far, this year are built on previous franchises, or characters we’ve seen before in film:

  • The Avengers (built from Iron Man, Captain America, Thor, and Hulk)
  • The Dark Knight Rises (8th Batman film, at least)
  • Ice Age Continental Drift (4th in the Ice Age films)
  • The Amazing Spider-Man (4th in just 10 years)
  • Men in Black 3 (Tommy ain’t dead yet)
  • Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted (No they’re not)
  • Snow White and the Huntsman (Remember Snow White? More to come)
  • Titanic 3D (Floater)

Here are some of the other, less popular, entries for 2012 built on old ideas:

  • Underworld Awakening (Who is watching these?)
  • Journey 2: The Mysterious Island (The Rock isn’t dead yet either)
  • Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (Cause the first one didn’t suck)
  • 21 Jumpstreet (Decent film, but still)
  • Mirror Mirror (Second Snow White adaption this year)
  • American Reunion (Remember American Pie? Sorry to remind you)
  • The Three Stooges (Can’t believe this happened)
  • Piranha 3DD (Worse title ever. If you don’t get it, look up the poster)
  • Step Up Revolution (Needles in my eyes)
  • Diary of a Wimpy Kid (Fine. Whatever)
  • Total Recall (No Mars? WTF!)

And don’t forget 3D is back. Here are some old films Rereleased in 3D:

  • Beauty and the Beast (Classic animation is not safe)
  • Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (Glutton for punishment)
  • Titanic (Sink, bastard, sink)
  • Finding Nemo (So much computer animation for kids)
  • Monsters Inc. (What’d I just say?)

Not enough?  Here are some films that were close, but couldn’t be wedged in the above categories, but still building on nostalgia:

  • John Carter (These books are about as old as film)
  • Coriolanus (Shakespeare. Heard of him?)
  • The Lorax (Dr. Seuss, like we haven’t seen any of those lately)
  • Tim & Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie (Bad TV show, probably worse movie)
  • The Raven (Fake Edgar Allan Poe bio)
  • Dark Shadows (Depp & Burton again! Shoot me please)
  • The Dictator (Sacha Baron Cohen offending more people)
  • Battleship (The stupid game)
  • Rock of Ages (Mash up of old tunes)
  • That’s my Boy (Adam Sandler is here to stay)
  • Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (Did he really?)

And we’re barely halfway through the year! Here are some upcoming gems:

  • The Bourne Legacy (Instead of Matt Damon, Hawkeye from Avengers)
  • The Expendables 2 (Yup. Already)
  • Resident Evil: Retribution (Was this a game or something?)
  • Dredd (Could they really out-act Stallone?)
  • Frankenweenie (Burton remakes his own film short from 1984)
  • Taken 2 (Taken again)
  • Paranormal Activity 4 (Can’t believe how fast these are coming)
  • Silent Hill: Revelation 3D (I’m tired)
  • Skyfall (The new bond)
  • Lincoln (Spielberg & Daniel Day Lewis, one year, two Lincolns)
  • The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 (Girls are stupid)
  • The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (3 damn films for one 300 page story)

Well. I’m all tuckered out now. Maybe I’ll do a list later of all the cool original movies that are being overlooked cause of stuff like this. In the mean time, I will leave you with a collection of my favorite film posters from this year. Enjoy.


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